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How To Judge People According To Where They Sit On The Dog Scale

Updated: Apr 15, 2020

This article appears to many of our shared hobbies - lying on the couch scrolling, pretending to learn something, and of course, judging people. Also, there's cute pictures of puppies along the way. For some of us, this is a sheer delight. For dog lovers, this may come as a surprise- but not everybody out there is an automatic 10 on the dog love scale. I myself was a 4 until I begrudgingly got one of my own with my partner (who is an 11, but that's off-scale), and still, it took me a while to go from a 6 to what my mates now call a full-blown 10 (I say I'm a healthy 7). What do all these numbers mean, you ask? They're a way of identifying your dog likeability, so your dog loving pals know if it’s safe to show you a picture, let alone bring a furry pal to your BBQ without wondering if their pooches are going to be served for dinner.


So rest assured, those days of wondering if your friends are sociopaths or full-blown furrys are OVER. Have a read through the old school 1-10 scale to see where you and your mates sit on The Dog Scale- and prepare to be judged accordingly.


1's

Source: Disney


1’s are weird, terrifying sociopaths, and need to be avoided at all costs. These people side with Cruella, love the Don't F&*$ With Cats guy, and increase their speed when they see a dog on the road. In other words, if you meet a 1, RUN.


2's

Source: NBC


A 2 may not go out of their way to hurt a dog, but they are indifferent and have a great disdain for anything to do with dogs, dog chat, or dog life. Do not ask a 2 to pet sit. It is offensive.


3's

Source: Disney


3's are pretty pathetic. They sometimes like to pretend to be polite, but deep down, we all know: a shelter would turn them away.


4's

Source: GIF Movie

(*Note: I'm sorry but is this not THE cutest GIF of all time? Back to my 10 corner...)


A 4 is aware of their flaws on the Dog Scale, but just can’t summon the energy. They didn’t grow up with pets, or maybe were bitten by one when young, and so remain afraid. They will actively cross the road when you are walking with one, and will make a polite excuse not to come over if it means sharing four walls with your four-legged pals. A 4 could maybe one day become a 6, but never a 10. They're just not good enough.


5's

Source: GIPHY


A 5 is, predictably, on the fence about dogs. They think they’re, you know…fine. As is brushing your teeth, and water. They may give a tight lipped smile and a forced pat when you announce proudly about the new addition to your family, but they don’t want one, never have, never will, and will actively have a profile that reads ‘No pets’ on Tinder.


6's

Source: GIPHY


A 6 is confusing. They may act friendly, but really, they’re snobby about their dog love. They are selective – sure, they’ll oodle at a cavoodle and want to buy bows and ribbons for your poodle, but like a cheerleader in a bad teen movie, their niceness is exclusive and superficial - they like High Prestige Dogs Only. Ick.


7's

Source: NBC


A healthy 7 is a good place to be. It is an aim for a lot of 4’s, who sadly, just don’t have the stamina. A 7 will listen and look at pictures as you rave on, give the appropriate amount of commentary before changing the topic, and are happy to go on a walk with you and your pet. The only thing stopping them from being an 8 is that they sometimes talk about wanting a dog or getting one, but always have a reason not to, like ‘my apartment is too small’, and ‘my husband is allergic’. Excuses, excuses, 7's.


8's

Source: GIPHY


8’s are pretty keen jeans, just look at cuddly ol' Vladimir over here. 8’s generally had a dog growing up, and they know the drill. They’re down for it – walks, playing, and even may want a wrestle with your pup and get a tear in their eye as it reminds them of their childhood. They paid $20 to see A Dog’s Purpose in a cinema, is what I’m saying. As far as dog interest goes, they’re almost there.


9's

Source: GIPHY


9’s are keen. You cannot be in a relationship with a 9 if you do not want a dog, period. These people have their dog as their screensaver, perhaps a tote with their dog’s face, and they have thought seriously about entering their dog in an attractiveness competition.


10's

Source: GIPHY

Note: Okay, even I can see this pic is all kinds of f*%!ed up,


On the dog interest scale, this is it. The Big Time. 10's are crazy dog lovers, and they’re not afraid of it. Their world revolves around their dog, and like a musician with their guitar, their animal friend will always come first. Holidays, furniture, houses, jobs – their whole life is organised around a canine friend. They love all dogs, and are happiest when on a sniffer trail as they may actually be part-dog. It takes a lot to date a 10 - they used to call you sweetheart, have you spoon with them on the couch, buy you presents, have your name as their password. And then slowly but surely every one of these things gets replaced by a DOG. Not speaking from experience. Just something I heard.


I could be bitter. Or...I could accept that this silly animal has changed my cold, dead heart from a 4 to a full-blown 10. Dammit.

Me and Maple 4 eva.

I still hate everyone else, though, I'm a 2 on the People Scale. And I'm sure we can all agree with that.

___

Where do you sit?

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